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Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Contradictions

This blog isn't Korea-related except insofar as I'm in Korea.

Lately I've had these thoughts swirling around in my mind and I'm gonna put them down in an attempt to sort through them. If this gets posted it will be because I want to share my thoughts, and I'm happy to hear yours, but I'm not looking for advice.

I've read a number of self-help / self-improvement / self-acceptance articles, books, blog posts over the past 4 years. And there are a few themes I've seen repeatedly:

  1. We are all connected, so we need to love and care for each other.
  2. You get what you give. So give love.
  3. Don't look externally for love. Love comes from within. If you expect others to give you love you'll only end up disappointed.
  4. Don't subscribe to limiting beliefs. 
  5. You deserve the love you're always trying to give others. (This last one I've only started seeing over the last 6 months or so)



This is my dilemma. These ideas seem to contradict each other. Like, we ought to love each other, but then when I give love and hope to get it back I'm doing something wrong, because expectations lead to disappointment. But I'm supposed to get what I give, so if I give love shouldn't the result be that I get love? And if you tell me that I deserve the love I give others, then why is it wrong for me to expect it? 

Give without expectation of reciprocation. That's another I've heard a lot. But if we're told that when we give love, somehow the universe will return it, why not expect it? If it's a law of the universe, why not expect it to be carried out? Like the law of gravity. If I'm holding an apple and I let it go, I expect it to fall and no one questions that. No one says, "Drop things without expectation of them hitting the ground." Just typing that felt silly. 

I'm left with this feeling that I'm selfish for wanting people to return the love I give them. Or that I'm foolish for expecting it. But then what? Give up on people? Put out love, because it's the right thing to do, but don't dare expect any love in return, except you'll get it because that's the Law of Attraction, except don't expect it cuz then you'll be disappointed, but you won't because what you put out you get back. That just makes me feel like people are a disappointment, but we're supposed to rely on each other because we can't live in isolation, but we also can't depend on others to give us love and happiness. Like... do you see where I'm confused?

So then the big question: Am I putting out love? I mean, I make a conscious effort to act from a place of love, not fear. And when I choose to actively put love out there, I don't initially do it thinking, "I'm gonna do this so I can get it back." But is that thought lurking around somewhere in there? I dunno.