Tired

I've been pretty drained lately. I've been slipping into La La Land. The space where nothing matters except what I want or what my body needs. Not out of anger or defiance, but fatigue. I just lose the energy to focus on others. It gets hard to remember what time it is, or even what day it is. This morning, I almost forgot I needed to get dressed and leave for work. I mean, I woke knowing I had to go to work, but I just... zoned out of responsibilities mode and kind of withdrew I guess. When I was on the bus, I started to zone out and fall asleep 3 stops before I needed to get off. I got off at the right stop though.

I've been consciously focusing on things that interest me, because I'd become bored. And with all the cool and exciting things there are to do, being bored made me feel like I was being lazy. So I started coding. I'm enjoying it. There's SO MUCH to learn, but it's fun so I can handle the occasional feeling of overwhelm. It's not just new languages (html, css, javascript, java, ruby, etc.), it's a whole new world. And that's fascinating and a little intimidating, but I'm not alone in my learning, which helps immensely.

I started taking Korean lessons. I like them. I don't really have much else to say about that.

I've also started a podcast. I've only done 2 episodes and I have ideas for future ones, but I don't know how well that's going. It was an idea I'd had, but never acted upon because that's how I roll. I often get a case of analysis paralysis, where I over think things and as a result never act on them. Then I was encouraged by a couple of my coding friends to be more proactive (or just active really) and just do it. So I did it. And then I made another one. The 2nd one didn't receive much positive feedback on the content, or the style. I mean, I asked for the feedback, and I got some constructive critiques, but I'm still learning how to not take criticism personally. Especially when it's about something I created (and was afraid to create).

I straddle this line between fear of rejection, and need for external validation. It's messed up, you know? So I put myself out there, even though I'm afraid. And sometimes I regret it. But that's life.

I'm writing more, and seeing friends more, which pleases me. Maybe that's why I'm tired. I'm doing a lot more than I was doing before. And being an introvert who also enjoys being social, I need to learn when to step back and slow down before I exhaust myself (like it seems I've done). Monday comes and I wonder what happened to the weekend, because I didn't rest. So maybe this is what happens when I don't take enough time to myself?

What's Korea Like?

Many people have asked me this since I first got here. And really, this song pretty much sums up my experience here in Korea. So far anyway. And that's almost 7 months worth of "so far". Why this song? The lyrics. The video's really awesome, but I can't say the treadmill action bears any resemblance to my life here lol. See below the video for the lyrics.




OK GO: Here It Goes Again

It could be ten, but then again, I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four.
Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa, and you leave me with my jaw on the floor.

[Chorus:]
Just when you think that you're in control,
Just when you think that you've got a hold,
Just when you get on a roll,
Oh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
Should have known,
Should have known again,
But here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.

It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy, something inching past the edge of the reserve.
Now through lines of the cheap venetian blinds your car is pulling off of the curb.

[Chorus]

I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, but Jesus, when it rains how it pours.
Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa, and you leave me, yeah, you leave me.

[Chorus]