Connecting with Students

I've been doing individual speaking tests with my 11th grade students this week. I'm surprised how much I'm learning about them, though I don't know why I'm surprised. Perhaps it's the questions being asked. A student I had previously found a mystery and somewhat challenging in class turned out to be more like me than I thought.

Today, I had a moment of true connection with a student. It is rare that I have the opportunity to share something meaningful and non-academic with a student one-on-one, and even more rare that I have the wisdom to recognize it. But today I had one of those moments. The final question I asked her was, "What are you like as a person?" Some students need clarification on the question, but this student is one of the brighter and more enthusiastic ones in my class. She participates well and genuinely tries hard. Her answer almost broke my heart.

She had a brief moment of anguish on her face, then said, "I don't think I'm a very good person, because I'm a little bit selfish and not very social."

She got me. Right in the feels. I've also struggled with thinking I was too selfish and should be more social. It's part of the reason I've adopted more extroverted behaviour when I'm around other people, particular while I am teaching and performing. I thought it was the way I was supposed to behave. Now I still perform as an extrovert when I feel it is necessary, but I no longer trick myself that that is who I am or that that is my "better" self. I am perfectly content letting people know that sometimes I don't want to be social and letting them think of me what they will.

So, in a moment like that, I had to say something to her. She had just told me that what she wants to do with her career is research gene therapy. She loves to delve deep into whatever she is studying. She is really special, you guys. I couldn't let her leave that test (which was really just an assessment, everyone's getting the same grade for this one) thinking that I agreed with her.

I told her (paraphrasing here), "Okay, the test is over but I want to tell you something. There is nothing wrong with being selfish. Think about it. If other people call you selfish, it is because you are not thinking about THEM. So who's really the selfish one? And anyway, you need to take care of yourself. Have you ever heard the saying, 'You cannot pour from an empty cup'? It means that if you do not take care of yourself, you cannot help others, and I know you want to help others. Do you understand what I mean here? You have to take care of yourself if you're going to help other people. And as for not being social, I'm not very social either! I behave this way at work, but most days when I go home, I want to be totally alone. Society values people who are social, and who like to talk to others, but there are MANY people in this world who are like you and they do some amazing things. Who you are is good enough. And you are a good person. Please do not think there is something wrong with you. Ok?"

She said, "Yes. Thank you teacher." And gave me a seated bow. She bowed. I almost cried. She almost cried. It was a real moment, but no one else heard it. It felt like we were in a bubble and something really valuable had just taken place.

I ended class 2 minutes late as a result of that moment, but I think it was entirely worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat.