The Countdown Has Begun

I realised about a week ago that I have begun to think of how much time I have left here. I have begun to plan quite seriously what I will do when I leave. I even almost fell into the habit of not wanting to begin any projects until I return home to Toronto. Almost. I snapped back to reality when I pointed out to myself that I have 9.5 months left (you see? I'm even counting in half-months). That's still a long time yet. So I bought a fitbit today, instead of waiting until I get home to buy one (thanks Jun! Perfect timing!)

But ... that explains where I'm at emotionally and mentally right now. Life is not bad for me here. It's good actually. I have a stable job that I really like. When I started I absolutely loved it. Now I really like it. I'm burning out. My first year went by quickly and smoothly. I felt tired and drained at the end of each day, but I didn't countdown even once, I swear. And I signed on for a 2nd contract.

But ... I know that Korea will never be home. Even if I become fluent in Korean, I will always be the spectacle of every sidewalk I traverse. The sideshow attraction to every bus ride. And for someone like myself who generally doesn't like to leave the house anyway, it makes things really difficult. I have my coping strategies (keep my eyes occupied with a book or my phone while seated, deliberately daydream while I walk, etc.), but the fact that I feel the need for coping strategies just so I can handle going to the convenience store IN MY BUILDING tells me that this is not a healthy environment for me. Not for more than 2 years anyway.

I'm aware of the opinion that maybe I *think* people are staring when they aren't, or maybe people are staring because I'm putting that energy out there, but I'm not imagining this. I'm a Black woman in a homogeneous society filled with people who look VERY different from me. No matter how long I live here, I will never blend in; never be mistaken for someone who knows anything about the place in which I live. I will always be OTHER (yes, all caps). While there is beauty and power in standing out, it must be my choice. I have no choice here. I am always VISIBLE (yes, all caps), even when I am sick, tired, homesick, annoyed, lonely. And it might sound like "Oh wow you're a celebrity! Haha" but it isn't, because people do not look at me with a sense of pleasure (well, sometimes the little kiddies do). They look at me like this O_O. And stare as they walk past, even when I stare back. I've told people about this before, but just in case you're 'hearing' me say this for the first time: it sucks.

Like I said, things aren't BAD. I'm accomplishing the goals I came here to accomplish. I have a nice enough apartment that I can pay for and a steady paycheque. I'm experiencing a new part of the world in a way many people never get to, but being hyper-visible every single time I leave my apartment exhausts me. Add to that being a high school English teacher as an introvert who performs as an extrovert for work, and I'm left drained and not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone.

So yeah ... in 9½ months it'll be time. Pretty sure. =)

"It Finally Happened" or "Turning Negatives into Positives" or "Lesson Planning Made Easy?"

"So it finally happened. As if on cue to try and ruin the good mood I've been in this morning, an ajumma reached out her grubby hand and touched my hair. Then giggled to her friends. This isn't the first time for me but it is the first time since coming to Busan last February . I looked at her, frowned, shook my head and my hand and said "안돼요" (No/Don't). Her response was to keep on smiling like a fool in my face. The way you would smile at a child who's 'just so cute when they're mad'. Korea don't do this. Not yet. I still have another 10 months."

That was the Facebook post I made this morning while on the bus, shortly after moving seats because of the violation against my personal space. 6 years ago, when I lived in Siheung, this happened once every few months (total 4 or 5 times), and every time it made me more and more angry. Since moving to Busan last year, though, it NEVER happened until today. I managed to go a whole 13.75 months without being treated like an animal in a petting zoo. 

So I was pretty pissed. And it didn't help that when I got to work I discovered my classroom in the middle of renovations (with the expectation that I continue teaching in this mess). But...

Next week my students have their midterm exams. So this week they're pretty stressed out. The weather is warming up and the campus is beautiful, SO I had already planned to take them outside as part of our lesson. Since their task while outside is to find things that improve their mood, I decided to lead a meditation exercise as the intro to the lesson. 

First, I had them think about 1 thing that happened recently that caused them stress or made them feel upset or annoyed or otherwise unhappy. Then I had them talk about it with a partner for a few minutes. Then I told them about my thing. I must point out here that it was some consolation to see how shocked my students were that this had happened to me. So after sharing my thing with them, I had them close their eyes and imagine that frustrating situation (specifically the feelings of stress or anger) as a piece of bread in their hands. I told them to picture a fast-flowing river in front of them. With every inhale, I had them visualise breaking off a piece of the bread. With every exhale, I had them visualise throwing the bread into the river and watching the river carry it away out of sight. And I did it with them. 

And I think that was really useful in setting up the purpose of the class, which is to show them one way to help reduce stress and also have them think about other ways for themselves.

So all in all an interesting start to the week.

Connecting with Students

I've been doing individual speaking tests with my 11th grade students this week. I'm surprised how much I'm learning about them, though I don't know why I'm surprised. Perhaps it's the questions being asked. A student I had previously found a mystery and somewhat challenging in class turned out to be more like me than I thought.

Today, I had a moment of true connection with a student. It is rare that I have the opportunity to share something meaningful and non-academic with a student one-on-one, and even more rare that I have the wisdom to recognize it. But today I had one of those moments. The final question I asked her was, "What are you like as a person?" Some students need clarification on the question, but this student is one of the brighter and more enthusiastic ones in my class. She participates well and genuinely tries hard. Her answer almost broke my heart.

She had a brief moment of anguish on her face, then said, "I don't think I'm a very good person, because I'm a little bit selfish and not very social."

She got me. Right in the feels. I've also struggled with thinking I was too selfish and should be more social. It's part of the reason I've adopted more extroverted behaviour when I'm around other people, particular while I am teaching and performing. I thought it was the way I was supposed to behave. Now I still perform as an extrovert when I feel it is necessary, but I no longer trick myself that that is who I am or that that is my "better" self. I am perfectly content letting people know that sometimes I don't want to be social and letting them think of me what they will.

So, in a moment like that, I had to say something to her. She had just told me that what she wants to do with her career is research gene therapy. She loves to delve deep into whatever she is studying. She is really special, you guys. I couldn't let her leave that test (which was really just an assessment, everyone's getting the same grade for this one) thinking that I agreed with her.

I told her (paraphrasing here), "Okay, the test is over but I want to tell you something. There is nothing wrong with being selfish. Think about it. If other people call you selfish, it is because you are not thinking about THEM. So who's really the selfish one? And anyway, you need to take care of yourself. Have you ever heard the saying, 'You cannot pour from an empty cup'? It means that if you do not take care of yourself, you cannot help others, and I know you want to help others. Do you understand what I mean here? You have to take care of yourself if you're going to help other people. And as for not being social, I'm not very social either! I behave this way at work, but most days when I go home, I want to be totally alone. Society values people who are social, and who like to talk to others, but there are MANY people in this world who are like you and they do some amazing things. Who you are is good enough. And you are a good person. Please do not think there is something wrong with you. Ok?"

She said, "Yes. Thank you teacher." And gave me a seated bow. She bowed. I almost cried. She almost cried. It was a real moment, but no one else heard it. It felt like we were in a bubble and something really valuable had just taken place.

I ended class 2 minutes late as a result of that moment, but I think it was entirely worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

2 stories for you:

1. I was on the subway yesterday (I live in Busan) and there was this ajosshi who started calling out this young couple for cuddling. He then walked down the car, stopping periodically to admonish different people for whatever reasons. It was kinda funny but it also made me nervous. Then he came back and sat across from me...................... and gave me the CUTEST SMILE you ever did see. All of a sudden he was like a kid in school, peeking around the person standing between us and waving. And then he said (and this was a first for me), "Indo?" I have my hair in an unmistakable afro so I wasn't expecting to be mistaken for Indian and I laughed and said "No. Canada." Then he asked if I was a university student (my ego was grateful for that one). I told him I was a high school teacher and he gave me the "OOoohhh" face and a thumbs up. I don't know if he was totally there mentally, and I know he was being a bit of a jerk before that, but a thumbs up from THAT GUY made my afternoon.


2. Today I was at a grocery store with my friend Monika and we were in the baking aisle. There was a toddler talking baby talk about the box he was holding to his dad who was crouched next to him. I love to hear babies talk so I probably laughed or said "aww" or something. The kid turned and looked at me and I said "anyong!" Sometimes nothing happens. Sometimes I just get a blank stare. But this time his mom said "anyonghaseyo hae-yaji (basically: say hello)" and he gave me the most adorable bow and babytalk anyonghaseyo ever. Twice! And when they were leaving, his mom told him to say bye bye and he waved goodbye at me. And he made my afternoon.


Hope those stories made you smile!

Angel xo

Where's the Wheat?!

I've known for about 3.5 years now that I am intolerant to/sensitive to wheat/ gluten. Or I have IBS (I've heard they're pretty interchangeable terms). But I've loved the taste for so long, I would still cheat. Recently the desire to eat wheat (donuts, pastries, paninis, cake, etc.) has been less than my desire not to look 5 months pregnant and feel like a stuffed sausage every time I try to sit cross-legged on the ground. So I stopped. Cold turkey. For the first 2 days I was still taking wheatgrass, because so many websites site it as being gluten-free, but I have the same symptoms when I take it, just to a lesser extent so I stopped with that too. It's been 5 days completely wheat-free and I am currently going through some wheat withdrawal. Hungry more often. Craving bread. Craving every food I see online. Feeling despondent. Baby Jesus help me.

That's all. If you have resources to help me through this difficult time I would appreciate them, but rest assured I'm looking too and I know I just have to grit my teeth and muscle through it but it sucks.

Ok bye.

Angel xo

Reflections and Resolutions

Happy New Year Everyone!!

It's the first day of the first week of the first month of 2016 (here in Toronto), and I felt like making one of those posts about how last year treated me (or how I treated myself last year) and what my plans are for this year.

 TL; DR: 2015 was a good year. Here's to an even better 2016!

Ok, here we go!

In 2015, I:

• got rid of all of my furniture and most of my possessions,
• went on a cruise with my family, celebrating my 28th birthday in the Caribbean on the water complete with (if I recall) 14 different birthday songs and many people I love,
• moved to Korea for a great job teaching high school English with the help of an awesome, generous, kind friend,
• met some really good new friends, one of whom convinced me to pursue what could be a life-changing endeavour, another of whom keeps me motivated, another of whom listens to me winge (is this a word?) with patience, and more,
• gained greater clarity on where I want to be in the years to come,
• set SMART goals for my finances, my career, my health,

• developed a better relationship with food (eating when I'm hungry, less comfort eating, no more binging but not by force),
• started working on a better relationship with my body (this is a bigger job, pun intended),
• started work on getting to a better relationship with my self (lifetime work in progress),
• discovered that standard classroom teaching is not my forever, especially since I have a great job now and still feel this way,
• was able to go to the wedding of a special friend of mine and felt more included in THEIR day than I could have expected,
• learned more about the way I respond to the world, how the world can change, how I can change, and how I have already changed,
• spent quality time with my family during the holidays. Even now as I type this, my mum is sitting next to me working away on her own laptop haha.

Whew! I wouldn't be surprised if there was more that I forgot, but that's a lot on its own! I'm quite pleased with the way the year went, even when it wasn't pleasant in the moment.

So what's next?

In 2016, I'd like to:

• renew my contract for one more year,
• accomplish the short- to mid-term goals I set in 2015,
• build my portfolio and skillset in web developing,
• do a better job of lesson planning ahead of time,
• continue with the habits I formed in 2015 re: eating and physical activity,
• criticise myself less,
• love myself more (i.e. actively do things to show love to myself).

TBH, I'm just seeing how things go. It doesn't feel as much like a new beginning as I'd thought it might, and I suspect it's because a lot of the changes that I wanted to make were made during 2015. I'm impatient and if I genuinely want to do something I don't do well with waiting until a significant moment to start over. Plus it isn't starting over. I've learned that (in my life, anyway) everything goes in waves, or cycles. There are new phases, but I don't hinge all my hopes on them, because I know myself better and that has helped me to make better habits last longer. When I slip, I let myself slip, then I get back on track. Life can be stressful without us realising; there's no need to bring it on ourselves.

Anyway that's all for now. I'll make another post about my trip here and the trip back... when I'm back in Korea.

I love you all, be well!
Angel xo

Tired

I've been pretty drained lately. I've been slipping into La La Land. The space where nothing matters except what I want or what my body needs. Not out of anger or defiance, but fatigue. I just lose the energy to focus on others. It gets hard to remember what time it is, or even what day it is. This morning, I almost forgot I needed to get dressed and leave for work. I mean, I woke knowing I had to go to work, but I just... zoned out of responsibilities mode and kind of withdrew I guess. When I was on the bus, I started to zone out and fall asleep 3 stops before I needed to get off. I got off at the right stop though.

I've been consciously focusing on things that interest me, because I'd become bored. And with all the cool and exciting things there are to do, being bored made me feel like I was being lazy. So I started coding. I'm enjoying it. There's SO MUCH to learn, but it's fun so I can handle the occasional feeling of overwhelm. It's not just new languages (html, css, javascript, java, ruby, etc.), it's a whole new world. And that's fascinating and a little intimidating, but I'm not alone in my learning, which helps immensely.

I started taking Korean lessons. I like them. I don't really have much else to say about that.

I've also started a podcast. I've only done 2 episodes and I have ideas for future ones, but I don't know how well that's going. It was an idea I'd had, but never acted upon because that's how I roll. I often get a case of analysis paralysis, where I over think things and as a result never act on them. Then I was encouraged by a couple of my coding friends to be more proactive (or just active really) and just do it. So I did it. And then I made another one. The 2nd one didn't receive much positive feedback on the content, or the style. I mean, I asked for the feedback, and I got some constructive critiques, but I'm still learning how to not take criticism personally. Especially when it's about something I created (and was afraid to create).

I straddle this line between fear of rejection, and need for external validation. It's messed up, you know? So I put myself out there, even though I'm afraid. And sometimes I regret it. But that's life.

I'm writing more, and seeing friends more, which pleases me. Maybe that's why I'm tired. I'm doing a lot more than I was doing before. And being an introvert who also enjoys being social, I need to learn when to step back and slow down before I exhaust myself (like it seems I've done). Monday comes and I wonder what happened to the weekend, because I didn't rest. So maybe this is what happens when I don't take enough time to myself?