I've been pretty drained lately. I've been slipping into La La Land. The space where nothing matters except what I want or what my body needs. Not out of anger or defiance, but fatigue. I just lose the energy to focus on others. It gets hard to remember what time it is, or even what day it is. This morning, I almost forgot I needed to get dressed and leave for work. I mean, I woke knowing I had to go to work, but I just... zoned out of responsibilities mode and kind of withdrew I guess. When I was on the bus, I started to zone out and fall asleep 3 stops before I needed to get off. I got off at the right stop though.
I've been consciously focusing on things that interest me, because I'd become bored. And with all the cool and exciting things there are to do, being bored made me feel like I was being lazy. So I started coding. I'm enjoying it. There's SO MUCH to learn, but it's fun so I can handle the occasional feeling of overwhelm. It's not just new languages (html, css, javascript, java, ruby, etc.), it's a whole new world. And that's fascinating and a little intimidating, but I'm not alone in my learning, which helps immensely.
I started taking Korean lessons. I like them. I don't really have much else to say about that.
I've also started a podcast. I've only done 2 episodes and I have ideas for future ones, but I don't know how well that's going. It was an idea I'd had, but never acted upon because that's how I roll. I often get a case of analysis paralysis, where I over think things and as a result never act on them. Then I was encouraged by a couple of my coding friends to be more proactive (or just active really) and just do it. So I did it. And then I made another one. The 2nd one didn't receive much positive feedback on the content, or the style. I mean, I asked for the feedback, and I got some constructive critiques, but I'm still learning how to not take criticism personally. Especially when it's about something I created (and was afraid to create).
I straddle this line between fear of rejection, and need for external validation. It's messed up, you know? So I put myself out there, even though I'm afraid. And sometimes I regret it. But that's life.
I'm writing more, and seeing friends more, which pleases me. Maybe that's why I'm tired. I'm doing a lot more than I was doing before. And being an introvert who also enjoys being social, I need to learn when to step back and slow down before I exhaust myself (like it seems I've done). Monday comes and I wonder what happened to the weekend, because I didn't rest. So maybe this is what happens when I don't take enough time to myself?
Hey hey,
ReplyDeleteLot's of reflection time, eh? So..on the topic of energy, what's the weather like in Busan? On this side of the pond co-workers and family are all dragging themselves around due to colds, allegies, ...probably due to the change in weather. Of course, partying can drain any one ;) but the weather can play a role too. A 'wake up buddy' may help with the mornings. Call each other, meet for coffee, create a morning ritual that energizes. I heard of coffee machines with timers that get the coffee brewing to infuse that wake up smell into the room, or set a clock-radio to start on a station with energizing music. A clock/ clock-radio in the bathroom is another big help in the morning. I forget the day of the week, date and time if I don't have reminders, so you are not alone ..although you may not want to be part of my club :)
Mummy
Well, with 4 months to go, it may seem long, but really, you might just find yourself running out of time to do stuff. Yeah, boredom is not good. Initially, I guess the main purpose for going seemed adequate at the time to maintain your interest. Truthfully speaking, you get bored here too. Remember? I guess here you may find it easier to deal with the boredom, though I'm not so sure. What's my point? Ammh, perhaps its not a Korea thing. Perhaps its your normal tendencies. One approach would be to pre-accept that you do get bored, and anticipate it. Don't let it sneak up on you. Of course giving you tips is like preaching to the philosopher. You probably already thought about all of this, analysed, rationalized, compartmentalized, localized, and cauterized them to death. Dunno what to say Angie, except I like that you end each thought on an upbeat note, which I find to be excellent.
ReplyDelete