The Countdown Has Begun

I realised about a week ago that I have begun to think of how much time I have left here. I have begun to plan quite seriously what I will do when I leave. I even almost fell into the habit of not wanting to begin any projects until I return home to Toronto. Almost. I snapped back to reality when I pointed out to myself that I have 9.5 months left (you see? I'm even counting in half-months). That's still a long time yet. So I bought a fitbit today, instead of waiting until I get home to buy one (thanks Jun! Perfect timing!)

But ... that explains where I'm at emotionally and mentally right now. Life is not bad for me here. It's good actually. I have a stable job that I really like. When I started I absolutely loved it. Now I really like it. I'm burning out. My first year went by quickly and smoothly. I felt tired and drained at the end of each day, but I didn't countdown even once, I swear. And I signed on for a 2nd contract.

But ... I know that Korea will never be home. Even if I become fluent in Korean, I will always be the spectacle of every sidewalk I traverse. The sideshow attraction to every bus ride. And for someone like myself who generally doesn't like to leave the house anyway, it makes things really difficult. I have my coping strategies (keep my eyes occupied with a book or my phone while seated, deliberately daydream while I walk, etc.), but the fact that I feel the need for coping strategies just so I can handle going to the convenience store IN MY BUILDING tells me that this is not a healthy environment for me. Not for more than 2 years anyway.

I'm aware of the opinion that maybe I *think* people are staring when they aren't, or maybe people are staring because I'm putting that energy out there, but I'm not imagining this. I'm a Black woman in a homogeneous society filled with people who look VERY different from me. No matter how long I live here, I will never blend in; never be mistaken for someone who knows anything about the place in which I live. I will always be OTHER (yes, all caps). While there is beauty and power in standing out, it must be my choice. I have no choice here. I am always VISIBLE (yes, all caps), even when I am sick, tired, homesick, annoyed, lonely. And it might sound like "Oh wow you're a celebrity! Haha" but it isn't, because people do not look at me with a sense of pleasure (well, sometimes the little kiddies do). They look at me like this O_O. And stare as they walk past, even when I stare back. I've told people about this before, but just in case you're 'hearing' me say this for the first time: it sucks.

Like I said, things aren't BAD. I'm accomplishing the goals I came here to accomplish. I have a nice enough apartment that I can pay for and a steady paycheque. I'm experiencing a new part of the world in a way many people never get to, but being hyper-visible every single time I leave my apartment exhausts me. Add to that being a high school English teacher as an introvert who performs as an extrovert for work, and I'm left drained and not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone.

So yeah ... in 9½ months it'll be time. Pretty sure. =)

Tired

I've been pretty drained lately. I've been slipping into La La Land. The space where nothing matters except what I want or what my body needs. Not out of anger or defiance, but fatigue. I just lose the energy to focus on others. It gets hard to remember what time it is, or even what day it is. This morning, I almost forgot I needed to get dressed and leave for work. I mean, I woke knowing I had to go to work, but I just... zoned out of responsibilities mode and kind of withdrew I guess. When I was on the bus, I started to zone out and fall asleep 3 stops before I needed to get off. I got off at the right stop though.

I've been consciously focusing on things that interest me, because I'd become bored. And with all the cool and exciting things there are to do, being bored made me feel like I was being lazy. So I started coding. I'm enjoying it. There's SO MUCH to learn, but it's fun so I can handle the occasional feeling of overwhelm. It's not just new languages (html, css, javascript, java, ruby, etc.), it's a whole new world. And that's fascinating and a little intimidating, but I'm not alone in my learning, which helps immensely.

I started taking Korean lessons. I like them. I don't really have much else to say about that.

I've also started a podcast. I've only done 2 episodes and I have ideas for future ones, but I don't know how well that's going. It was an idea I'd had, but never acted upon because that's how I roll. I often get a case of analysis paralysis, where I over think things and as a result never act on them. Then I was encouraged by a couple of my coding friends to be more proactive (or just active really) and just do it. So I did it. And then I made another one. The 2nd one didn't receive much positive feedback on the content, or the style. I mean, I asked for the feedback, and I got some constructive critiques, but I'm still learning how to not take criticism personally. Especially when it's about something I created (and was afraid to create).

I straddle this line between fear of rejection, and need for external validation. It's messed up, you know? So I put myself out there, even though I'm afraid. And sometimes I regret it. But that's life.

I'm writing more, and seeing friends more, which pleases me. Maybe that's why I'm tired. I'm doing a lot more than I was doing before. And being an introvert who also enjoys being social, I need to learn when to step back and slow down before I exhaust myself (like it seems I've done). Monday comes and I wonder what happened to the weekend, because I didn't rest. So maybe this is what happens when I don't take enough time to myself?